God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I will pee on everything he values.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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