Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You are the jesus of drinking
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
