Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
