Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
