he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I could fuck to npr.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
