I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
