He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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