If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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