I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
