I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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