Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
