I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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