someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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