Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
