You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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