im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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