i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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