oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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