I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
