Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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