Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
