He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
