I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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