She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
