I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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