Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
