On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
