I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
