The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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