I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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