Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
