I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
