I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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