Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
