fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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