well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
