He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
