I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
