life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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