I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
