my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
