At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
