i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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