I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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