how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
