the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
