unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
