New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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