my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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