My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
