I didn't shave. On purpose
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
there is puke in my bra ... again
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