and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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