Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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