Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
