Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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