You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
