I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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